Bleeding again.

I tried not to.
Because it's Christmas.
Because I'm supposed to be getting better.
There's just something about crying for two hours and then not getting the text until the cuts are done so it seems even more like you don't care that makes me beg for disaster.
Honestly, I'm always being hurt by those I've trusted for a long time.
Ineedtocalmdown. But I can't.
It just hurts too badly.

Sometimes

You sink into your own mental hell.
Try as you might, you wont get out of here.
Dark rooms, light only by computer screensavers, loud music breaking through headphones...
nothing helps.
All because of one memory.
No, not even.
Because of the knowledge that memory held.
I thought you were making it up to ruin our relationship.
You know how you say you don't wanna hear about him?
I'm trying to fix myself, so fricking bear with me while I try putting together the debris you thought I was making up.
And now you say you feel horrible when you see my cuts because you could see the pain in them, why couldn't you see it then?!
You completely turned your back on me and then had the balls to vocalize what we both knew.
SCREW IT ALL!
I realize I should get over myself, let it go.
Grudges shouldn't last forever and I shouldn't try to guilt trip people, but screw you.
I feel like death would be the easiest way out, and I would beg for it, but I don't ask for things I don't deserve.

I am enjoying staying up late

I've long since known that I am...empathetic to the point my moods will blend with others.
Staying up late like this, being alone this, being high off being me...
It's bliss.
Having the pure desire to run outside and scream lyrics to a song while just jumping around and dancing to it, honestly it must be the nothingness of not having anyone speaking to me.
"A teenage vow in a parking lot, til tonight do us part."
Oh how I love Fall Out Boy.
So, since they're considering medicating me, I've decided that I need to list how I can be.
Yep, they're deciding to medicate me, proof I'm the crazy -insert dark stereotype- I've been saying I am.
First off, I can be depressed. At this point, I don't notice hunger until it's to the point that I feel sick when I eat. Generally, there's a lack of feeling selfworth and various feelings of guilt and loneliness that I wouldn't bother with if I had been feeling normal. These feeling lead to cutting, even though it doesn't help with the feelings.
Then, on a completely different side of the coin, I feel hyperactive. These have actually gotten worse and during periods where we have school I take Melatonan pills to help me sleep. Even with them, if I'm in this state, I'll wake up multiple times in the night. I think the most was three. Usually, though, it's only twice. Once in the middle of the night and the other half an hour or so before Mom wakes me up. I feel like doing things, though supressing that urge is easy...until I put my mind on something and then everything about me is obsessed on that task. There are points where I'll feel too big for my skin and feel like screaming until that feeling goes away, but since I've introduced myself to cutting, these have been fewer. I've been going through something like this and have realized that if I stay up too late, and then actually talk to someone, well, last night I had an interest conversation where I just couldn't shut my mouth and didn't stop thinking of things to say, even though I repeated myself, I think.
Sounds...horrible so far! Haha, there are moments where I feel neither of these though. I feel just... at peace, content with life in most situations, happy in others, sad in others, but not enough of either to feel perfect or worthless. It's the best.
Don't worry, you'll probably never notice these changes unless you catch me at weak moment. Generally I can keep myself seemingly ok.

Chirstmas Break

It technically started yesterday.
Though I guess it's safe to say I'm spending the first night of it with three objects.
I'll let you spectulate on them.
I should be happy; we most of the plot for this story done (just need to brush up on some details) and I get, what, a week and a half without school? A week and a half where I'm not suffocating everyday because the people there are just...to much to bear.
Yet I seem to know every way to depress myself.
For some ungodly reason, I went back and tried to reread those messages, also the convo between Julia and myself merely days before they started dating.
Sure, I'm in a house full of people, but I feel so freakishly alone.
Mommy tried to turn Julia's and my story into a religious one when I asked for ideas from her.
Honestly, Mom, I'm Christian, you can quit shoving it down my throat.
I can just hear her saying, "Well, if you asked God, he would make you feel as though you aren't so alone."
Well, I'm not one to ask for things I don't deserve.
Maybe I'll hint that I'm fine enough to not see the counsilor anymore.
Then, they wouldn't have to pay for it anymore and I would go back to being the seemingly perfect child.
It isn't really cheap, seeing a counsilor, and they wanna put me on meds which would be even more.
The only real question is would I be able to continue laughing and pretending?
Spitting in the face of my own problems and emotions?
Sure, I had done it in the past, but that was before...
Well, before all of this.
Okay, I'm a big pansy, but this song made me not only tear up, but shed tears, so I'll share it with you.

I let her into my personal hell

Even I could hear the tears on my voice. Frustration, though, filled me as I couldn't explain it well.
Her solution? Meds to stabilize my moods. OR, to talk to someone who can. It's nifty. Whatever helps, seriously.

Just Enough Breaths Of Air

Today? How do I descibe it?
Today has been...insanity.
One moment, sitting on the couch is perfectly fine.
The next, I feel like screaming at this screwed up world, though nothing's changed at all.
I'm going through moments of being perfectly fine, able to deal with everything, to being able to deal with nothing.
The cure? Locking myself into my older brother's room because it's pretty empty, and listening to the same song over and over.
Earlier today, I went outside in the snow, 17 degrees, wearing only shoes, skinny jeans, a tank top with a hoodie over it, and a hat with five dollars. I went to Casey's and got 20 oz of hot chocolate and candies. Even though all I really wanna do is just go to sleep.
School...I'm dreading going tomorrow, though I know that once there I'll act perfectly normal..well, stable, at least. And feeling like I do now will be less likely. Right now, I feel like the next person to say the wrong thing to me will be screamed at. That won't really happen. I'm too quiet.
A friend of mine told me I shouldn't have been sleeping until noon this morning because I was talking about how upset I was about how my dad woke me up.
Sorry I hadn't slept well this week and went to bed late! Maybe next time I'll take my brain out of my head and tell it that it needs to shut down at a decent time! Gosh.
Okay, since not much has happened today, I think I'll end this post and find something else to do while I wait for Mom to come home.


The Constitution only guarantees the American people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself. ~Benjamin Franklin

Let's Restart The Clock

I can't tolerate the other one, plain and simple. It'll stay in existance because I'm cruel little brat who wants some of that info to throw back in peoples faces. Although the title says what it does, I honestly can't restart. The pain is there, already engraved into my being, and I cannot forget for some reason. Everytime I tried, bam, there was another reminder. So I quit trying.
So, here's the parts of my life that I bother typing up as I see them. Uneditted with all the screaming fits I wanted to go through. Because I don't enjoy feeling broken and having half the people I speak to actually say that I act it.