Confronted a friend about something Julia brought to my attention.
I won't lie, I was hoping that she was lying to me.
The other person didn't even suspect Julia to be the one to tell me.
Then told me how horrible Julia is when I'm not around.
Honestly, Julia, go ask that jerk back out if you only broke up because of me.
I don't give a frick anymore.
I just want someone to hurt like I did.
Forgiveness?
Love?
Hope?
What the heck are those?
Something everyone else tastes everyday, all day.
Yet when I think the story has past and I can hope again, BAM, there's another freking door smashing my face in.
Calm down, screaming and yelling fixes nothing.
Ask her what's wrong, why's she being this way.
Obviously there's built up anger.
There, asked about.
Whether she tells me or not now is her choice.
I'm gonna get off the computer.
Goodnight.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Let's turn up the radio. Let the band remind you that you're not alone.
Gosh, today has been crazy. In the past twent-four hours I have been told how great I am with voicing publicly my feelings about God. Yet there shouldn't be anything good about it. Actually, one person said I could be a preacher and the other time I was applauded after explaining how Youth Encounter was for me. Even though I totally lost my train of thought and changed what I wanted to say after beginning a sentence.
But naturally it's never always rainbows and sunshine. In Basic Drawing, something freaked me out to the point I couldn't sit still and my heart began racing. Heart racing is great...after running. I had not been running, but my heart felt like it was going faster than it ever had. Felt like the beats were feathery, like they could stop at anytime. Looking back, it was probably nonsense, but I'm glad it's over. I'm glad the whole semester is over. On to Basic Painting seventh hour and enjoying the pure contentment that sweeps into my life when I'm dealing with creating an art project. I'm just going to feel lost this summer. No art classes, haha.
Music is so dominating lately. In my life, my mind, heck it dominates the book I'm reading. May as well deal with my sanity some way. It's beautiful, hearing all the different voices that create music. That's why I don't understand people who only allow themselves to listen to one type of music. What if you actually like a different kind of music after listening to it? Why restain yourself from finding songs that may (or may not) relate to you even more than what you're listening to? I couldn't imagine listening to one type of music for more than part of a month.
Okay, time to get ready for beddie by time.
Goodnight.
But naturally it's never always rainbows and sunshine. In Basic Drawing, something freaked me out to the point I couldn't sit still and my heart began racing. Heart racing is great...after running. I had not been running, but my heart felt like it was going faster than it ever had. Felt like the beats were feathery, like they could stop at anytime. Looking back, it was probably nonsense, but I'm glad it's over. I'm glad the whole semester is over. On to Basic Painting seventh hour and enjoying the pure contentment that sweeps into my life when I'm dealing with creating an art project. I'm just going to feel lost this summer. No art classes, haha.
Music is so dominating lately. In my life, my mind, heck it dominates the book I'm reading. May as well deal with my sanity some way. It's beautiful, hearing all the different voices that create music. That's why I don't understand people who only allow themselves to listen to one type of music. What if you actually like a different kind of music after listening to it? Why restain yourself from finding songs that may (or may not) relate to you even more than what you're listening to? I couldn't imagine listening to one type of music for more than part of a month.
Okay, time to get ready for beddie by time.
Goodnight.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Lunchies!
Okay~ my lunch is quite odd today.
Rice, pineapple, and red beans.
The rice is gonna be cooked with pineapple and the juice from the can. So, it sounds quite...yum.
Rice, pineapple, and red beans.
The rice is gonna be cooked with pineapple and the juice from the can. So, it sounds quite...yum.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Obsessive I am.
My mind picks things to obsess about and generally forgets the rest. I'm a paranoid child so the bad things about me and the ways my best friend hurts me are one of the things I obsess about. I'm sure she's said somethings that at that moment I said I would never forget because they made me happy, but then something painful comes and consumes me. To tell the truth, if I could obsess about being happy I don't think I would be even then.
Since I obsess, I've been thinking about Julia throwing out that she doesn't believe in hexes. Personally, I do...because I believe in a God big enough to deal with it if I ask, so I don't have to be scared out of my mind by it. Though, each to his own, or whatever.
It's been... wow... I don't think I've been happy, really truly honestly purely happy, all year. Considering the year is only barely two days old, it doesn't really bother me, but I mean...wow. Julia and I have been arguing nearly everytime we talk and I don't know if it's her or me. Probably me. And I would try to justify that (oh, I've been hurt and I'm a troubled teen and blah blah blah blah we've heard the excuses over and over and over) but there really isn't a point in it. I've had burst of happy, but most of the time I've just been ticked off. Maybe it's because I'm not used to being treated like a child but like a person? I'm sooooo sick of how my dad friggin treats me. Yet I keep my mouth shut. Why break the already uneasy peace? Why bother? Besides, if I said anything, it'd get worse and I'm already the worse hazard to myself.
Okay, I'm saying that 3:39 AM is late enough to stay up when I'm trying to get ready for finals and just going back to that thing called school.
Night.
Since I obsess, I've been thinking about Julia throwing out that she doesn't believe in hexes. Personally, I do...because I believe in a God big enough to deal with it if I ask, so I don't have to be scared out of my mind by it. Though, each to his own, or whatever.
It's been... wow... I don't think I've been happy, really truly honestly purely happy, all year. Considering the year is only barely two days old, it doesn't really bother me, but I mean...wow. Julia and I have been arguing nearly everytime we talk and I don't know if it's her or me. Probably me. And I would try to justify that (oh, I've been hurt and I'm a troubled teen and blah blah blah blah we've heard the excuses over and over and over) but there really isn't a point in it. I've had burst of happy, but most of the time I've just been ticked off. Maybe it's because I'm not used to being treated like a child but like a person? I'm sooooo sick of how my dad friggin treats me. Yet I keep my mouth shut. Why break the already uneasy peace? Why bother? Besides, if I said anything, it'd get worse and I'm already the worse hazard to myself.
Okay, I'm saying that 3:39 AM is late enough to stay up when I'm trying to get ready for finals and just going back to that thing called school.
Night.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Bleeding again.
I tried not to.
Because it's Christmas.
Because I'm supposed to be getting better.
There's just something about crying for two hours and then not getting the text until the cuts are done so it seems even more like you don't care that makes me beg for disaster.
Honestly, I'm always being hurt by those I've trusted for a long time.
Ineedtocalmdown. But I can't.
It just hurts too badly.
Because it's Christmas.
Because I'm supposed to be getting better.
There's just something about crying for two hours and then not getting the text until the cuts are done so it seems even more like you don't care that makes me beg for disaster.
Honestly, I'm always being hurt by those I've trusted for a long time.
Ineedtocalmdown. But I can't.
It just hurts too badly.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Sometimes
You sink into your own mental hell.
Try as you might, you wont get out of here.
Dark rooms, light only by computer screensavers, loud music breaking through headphones...
nothing helps.
All because of one memory.
No, not even.
Because of the knowledge that memory held.
I thought you were making it up to ruin our relationship.
You know how you say you don't wanna hear about him?
I'm trying to fix myself, so fricking bear with me while I try putting together the debris you thought I was making up.
And now you say you feel horrible when you see my cuts because you could see the pain in them, why couldn't you see it then?!
You completely turned your back on me and then had the balls to vocalize what we both knew.
SCREW IT ALL!
I realize I should get over myself, let it go.
Grudges shouldn't last forever and I shouldn't try to guilt trip people, but screw you.
I feel like death would be the easiest way out, and I would beg for it, but I don't ask for things I don't deserve.
Try as you might, you wont get out of here.
Dark rooms, light only by computer screensavers, loud music breaking through headphones...
nothing helps.
All because of one memory.
No, not even.
Because of the knowledge that memory held.
I thought you were making it up to ruin our relationship.
You know how you say you don't wanna hear about him?
I'm trying to fix myself, so fricking bear with me while I try putting together the debris you thought I was making up.
And now you say you feel horrible when you see my cuts because you could see the pain in them, why couldn't you see it then?!
You completely turned your back on me and then had the balls to vocalize what we both knew.
SCREW IT ALL!
I realize I should get over myself, let it go.
Grudges shouldn't last forever and I shouldn't try to guilt trip people, but screw you.
I feel like death would be the easiest way out, and I would beg for it, but I don't ask for things I don't deserve.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
I am enjoying staying up late
I've long since known that I am...empathetic to the point my moods will blend with others.
Staying up late like this, being alone this, being high off being me...
It's bliss.
Having the pure desire to run outside and scream lyrics to a song while just jumping around and dancing to it, honestly it must be the nothingness of not having anyone speaking to me.
"A teenage vow in a parking lot, til tonight do us part."
Oh how I love Fall Out Boy.
So, since they're considering medicating me, I've decided that I need to list how I can be.
Yep, they're deciding to medicate me, proof I'm the crazy -insert dark stereotype- I've been saying I am.
First off, I can be depressed. At this point, I don't notice hunger until it's to the point that I feel sick when I eat. Generally, there's a lack of feeling selfworth and various feelings of guilt and loneliness that I wouldn't bother with if I had been feeling normal. These feeling lead to cutting, even though it doesn't help with the feelings.
Then, on a completely different side of the coin, I feel hyperactive. These have actually gotten worse and during periods where we have school I take Melatonan pills to help me sleep. Even with them, if I'm in this state, I'll wake up multiple times in the night. I think the most was three. Usually, though, it's only twice. Once in the middle of the night and the other half an hour or so before Mom wakes me up. I feel like doing things, though supressing that urge is easy...until I put my mind on something and then everything about me is obsessed on that task. There are points where I'll feel too big for my skin and feel like screaming until that feeling goes away, but since I've introduced myself to cutting, these have been fewer. I've been going through something like this and have realized that if I stay up too late, and then actually talk to someone, well, last night I had an interest conversation where I just couldn't shut my mouth and didn't stop thinking of things to say, even though I repeated myself, I think.
Sounds...horrible so far! Haha, there are moments where I feel neither of these though. I feel just... at peace, content with life in most situations, happy in others, sad in others, but not enough of either to feel perfect or worthless. It's the best.
Don't worry, you'll probably never notice these changes unless you catch me at weak moment. Generally I can keep myself seemingly ok.
Staying up late like this, being alone this, being high off being me...
It's bliss.
Having the pure desire to run outside and scream lyrics to a song while just jumping around and dancing to it, honestly it must be the nothingness of not having anyone speaking to me.
"A teenage vow in a parking lot, til tonight do us part."
Oh how I love Fall Out Boy.
So, since they're considering medicating me, I've decided that I need to list how I can be.
Yep, they're deciding to medicate me, proof I'm the crazy -insert dark stereotype- I've been saying I am.
First off, I can be depressed. At this point, I don't notice hunger until it's to the point that I feel sick when I eat. Generally, there's a lack of feeling selfworth and various feelings of guilt and loneliness that I wouldn't bother with if I had been feeling normal. These feeling lead to cutting, even though it doesn't help with the feelings.
Then, on a completely different side of the coin, I feel hyperactive. These have actually gotten worse and during periods where we have school I take Melatonan pills to help me sleep. Even with them, if I'm in this state, I'll wake up multiple times in the night. I think the most was three. Usually, though, it's only twice. Once in the middle of the night and the other half an hour or so before Mom wakes me up. I feel like doing things, though supressing that urge is easy...until I put my mind on something and then everything about me is obsessed on that task. There are points where I'll feel too big for my skin and feel like screaming until that feeling goes away, but since I've introduced myself to cutting, these have been fewer. I've been going through something like this and have realized that if I stay up too late, and then actually talk to someone, well, last night I had an interest conversation where I just couldn't shut my mouth and didn't stop thinking of things to say, even though I repeated myself, I think.
Sounds...horrible so far! Haha, there are moments where I feel neither of these though. I feel just... at peace, content with life in most situations, happy in others, sad in others, but not enough of either to feel perfect or worthless. It's the best.
Don't worry, you'll probably never notice these changes unless you catch me at weak moment. Generally I can keep myself seemingly ok.
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